Mon Apr 25, 2011 11:11 am
Tue Apr 26, 2011 7:31 pm
Tue Apr 26, 2011 8:16 pm
Tue Apr 26, 2011 8:27 pm
Tue Apr 26, 2011 9:42 pm
Tue Apr 26, 2011 11:55 pm
Thu Apr 28, 2011 7:20 pm
It's true. I'm not just proof, I'm living proof.
How does that work, you might ask?
Its simple: if not for God's goodness, I wouldn't be alive. I would have committed suicide on Tuesday, November 16, 2010, by overdosing on the Prozac I'd been prescribed a few days earlier.
What stopped me? A fear of ####. Sure, I was in emotional agony and as such I hurt physically, but spending eternity in flames wasn't a better option.
So I kept living, but I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I was so lonesome, having been dumped by the first and only girl to ever make me feel like I was her everything. That caused me to look at myself as nothing more than a failure, a 24-year-old with no job and unable to even drive a car, an unlovable person destined to live a sad, lonely life, somebody with too many issues to be worth anything.
Nearly three months have passed, and what has changed? Much.
For the first time in my life, I'm happy to be me because of me. There had been times in the past when I was happy to be me, but it was because of something else, or someone else, like the girl mentioned above or because my racing hero Tony Stewart had done well in several races in a row or something. But it was never because of me.
Well, the issue of not having a job or being able to drive a car remain. I'm still lonesome and think about her every day and wish every day that out of the blue I'd get a text message or email from her wanting to hook back up.
But at the heart of the matter, my own heart, with all the accessories of life removed and all the layers peeled away, I'm happy to be me and pleased with who I am as an individual. I'm an honest, caring person with a tremendous amount of God-given creativity and a tremendous desire to use that to make people smile. I have a childlike enthusiasm for the simple things in life, like a beautiful sunset or a blanket of snow with a layer of ice on top of it shimmering in the sunlight like glitter. I'm quick with the wit and an pretty funny guy too, if I do say so myself.
Less than three months ago, I never would have looked at myself like this. I never would have thought I was worth anything. I wondered how in the world I was going to even keep living with as bad a grip the heartache I was feeling had on me. It was constant. I prayed, not for help in my life, but for death without further delay.
Thats where God's goodness started to come in. My dear friend Suzy sent me a Bible as a Birthday/Christmas present (my b-day is December 5). I hadn't started reading in it, I had been praying for enlightment and stuff, but I wasn't sure where to start reading. Even so, I felt like my relationship with God and Jesus was getting better because I simply had no choice but for it to get better. That was my only hope. Finally, on a whim I watched Dr. Charles Stanley with my mom one Sunday morning in January, and he mentioned reading the Bible. He said, and I'm quoting to the best of my memory, "If you're not sure where to start, start with Proverbs."
Later that day, after a bit of a family falling out here on Facebook, I went to my room and grabbed my Bible and found Proverbs. As I read it and saw confirmation of some things I had deduced on my own, I felt a renewed sense of self-worth. Once I finished that book, I flipped ahead to the book of Matthew and read Jesus's teachings. I have been slacking on my Bible reading lately, but what I have red has had a profound impact on who I am. It hasn't changed who I am as a person, or if it has, I'm not concious of it, but it has changed the way I look at myself and the way I look at life.
That's something else, the way I look at life. For 24 years, I was the eternal pessimist. Sure, things would be going well now and then, but I would always think to myself, "Yeah, its good, but it's going to be #### when it ends." Sure enough when the good things came to an end, I was in a rut. Well, now I know every good thing eventually has an ending, but for the first time in my life, I look at the positive side of things. I try to find the silver lining and focus on that, I try to keep a positive outlook.
Thats what I've done with the catalyst for my near-suicide, being dumped. Like I said, I still miss her like crazy and would give anything to have her back. We had so much in common, from our love of racing to the music we liked to our warped senses of humor. She was the third-best thing to ever come into my life, behind God and Jesus, but the thing is, for them to come in, she had to go out. That isn't a diss towards her, its just a fact. If she still loved me, I wouldn't have gotten right with God like I have and come to love who I am as a person, because I was too wrapped up in loving her and being happy with being myself because of her. God wanted to get me right and he wanted to get me right now, so he took what was blocking that away from me. Maybe one day, now that I'm getting right, he'll say "Okay, y'all can hook back up."
If that isn't in his plan, though, then I understand it and will live with it and try to find another girl who will love me like I love her. And as much as I miss and long for her, I am content with the change my life has undergone the last three months.
My dad and I talk more than ever. After four years of hating my brother to the point that there were times I would have given anything for murder to be legalized for 45 seconds, he and I have reconciled and are getting on great. I just feel like, as a person, I'm finally coming into my own, finally getting my life on track. What looked so distant in mid-November now feels imminent.
My immediate goals are simple. I want to get to driving, I want to get a job, I want to become an independent man instead of being the 24-year-old kid living with his parents. Believe me, I'll always be a kid at heart, thats just who I am and part of what I love about myself, but I'm ready to grow up. I've still got some fears I've got to get over, but at least now its just fear working against me instead of me working against myself. Fear can be overcome. Overcoming yourself is a lot harder, but I've done it - with God's help.
I also finally know what I want out of life. I want to make people happy and make them smile. I want to use my gifts God gave me when he put me together and made his plan for me to touch folks hearts and give them the same enthusiasm for the little things that I have. And I want to have a gal who I can love as long as I'm alive and share all my enjoyment of life and all my experiences with and who's own dreams I can try to make come true at the same time.
As far as tangibles go, I'm like everyone else. There are earthly, man-made pleasures I want. I have a clear picture of my ultimate goal: I'm arranging the last piece of furniture in my new log home, getting it just the way I want it. Then I look out the window into the driveway at a red Chevrolet Corvette and another full-sized car (also a Chevy) that serves as my family vehicle. Then I fire up the little Lionel train that winds through my living room, sit down in my favorite chair, and say to myself, "Yep, I made it."
To close this out, I'll tell a story of God working with me. This story is 100% true, and its something that I think could convert some non-believers if they read it.
While reading Jesus' teachings in Matthew, I started trying to make peace with the fact that God is in control. Not me, not anybody. At the end of the day, it's God's will that will be done, he's in the driver's seat. I felt like if I just had a reminder of some sort that I could keep with me to keep my mind on that fact, I would be okay, there would be nothing I couldn't handle.
So I asked my mom, who works at Walmart, to see about getting me a cheap braclet I could keep on my wrist. It didn't have to be anything special, I said, it could just be a little wristband. The more I thought about it, the more I thought, "Well, even something I could keep in my pocket will do."
Lo and behold, a few days later, my mom comes home from work. "Remember you asking me to get you a bracelet," she asked. I said "Yeah." "Well I didn't get a bracelet," she continued, fumbling in her pocket. "It wouldn't have to be a bracelet," I replied. "It could just be something I could keep in my pocket." "Oh, something you could keep in your pocket?"
Turns out, one of her customers had come through her line and said something to the effect of "I'd been meaning to give this to you but I never had." "This" was a little green frog, a rubber pencil topper with a rolled up piece of paper stuck in the bottom. When unrolled, the piece of paper says: "F.R.O.G.: Fully Rely On God."
Explain that one, athiests.
Sat Apr 30, 2011 12:26 pm
Sat Apr 30, 2011 1:30 pm
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Sun May 01, 2011 2:50 am
Sun May 01, 2011 10:42 am