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Re: The LOL PLace

Sun Feb 03, 2013 7:32 pm


My dogs are retired show dogs, one an AKC Champion.
They don't have to work.
They get free medical, room and board.
They expect us to clean up behind them.
They demonstrate by barking to get an extra treat.
They protest if they don't get an extra treat.
Oh my God! I just realized that the dogs are Democrats!

Re: The LOL PLace

Sun Feb 10, 2013 2:31 am

When things in your life seem, almost too much to handle,
When 24 Hours in a day is not enough,
Remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly,
He picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students, if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

'Now,' said the professor, as the laughter subsided,
'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things - family, children, health, Friends, and Favorite passions –
Things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, Your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, house, and car.

The sand is everything else --The small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' He continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.
The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, You will never have room for the things that are important to you.

So ... ...

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play With your children.
Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your partner out to dinner.

There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.

'Take care of the golf balls first --
The things that really matter.
Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.

The professor smiled..
'I'm glad you asked'.

It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem,
there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.'

Re: The LOL PLace

Fri Feb 15, 2013 3:10 pm

spring.jpg (10.38 KiB) Viewed 2030 times

Re: The LOL PLace

Sat Feb 16, 2013 8:59 am

Is that you, Beav? :lol: :lol:

Re: The LOL PLace

Sat Feb 16, 2013 9:11 am

No, I have ears and hair. :mrgreen:

The rest is pretty much acurate except for the fact that I do not wear a scarf no matter how cold it gets.

Re: The LOL PLace

Sat Feb 16, 2013 9:16 am

Ah! Thanks for clearing that up. ;) :lol:

Re: The LOL PLace

Sat Feb 16, 2013 5:05 pm

These are real classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K Newspapers:

8 years old, Hateful little ####. Bites!

1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.

Must sell washer and dryer £100.

Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

FOR SALE BY OWNER Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.
"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

Re: The LOL PLace

Sat Feb 16, 2013 5:06 pm

Children Are Quick

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....

TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

Re: The LOL PLace

Sat Feb 16, 2013 5:07 pm

Before anyone thinks I'm making fun of hearing impaired folks.... this video is making the rounds of hearing impaired people and was sent to me BY a deaf friend. I think it's very funny too. :-)

Does anyone here sign, by chance?

Re: The LOL PLace

Thu Feb 28, 2013 5:19 pm

This is funny!!
untitled.png (151.71 KiB) Viewed 1981 times

Re: The LOL PLace

Sun Mar 31, 2013 8:18 pm

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

(Wait for it)

She smiled and explained,

"I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

Re: The LOL PLace

Mon Apr 01, 2013 10:26 am

25 one-liners for your enjoyment: :lol:

1. I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I'm perfect.

2. I've got to sit down and work out where I stand.

3. If I save time, when do I get it back?

4. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

5. I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

6. Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.

7. The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.

8. As I said before, I never repeat myself.

9. Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.

10. I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.
There's a knob called brightness, but it doesn't work.

11. A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

13. War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.

14. Best way to prevent hangover is to stay drunk.

15. Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

16. If your father is a poor man, it is your fate but, if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity.

17. I was born intelligent - education ruined me.

18. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where train stops. On my desk, I have a,work station... What more can I say

19. If it's true that we are here to help others, then, what exactly are the others here for?

20. Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright Until you hear them speak.

21. How come "abbreviated" is such a long word

22. The Best of Provebs
Should women have children after 35?
No, 35 children are enough

24. Living on Earth may be expensive...
but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.

25. A drunk was hauled into court.
Mister, the judge began, you've been brought here for drinking....
Great, the drunk exclaimed. Let's get started.
Last edited by thorman52 on Mon Apr 01, 2013 8:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Re: The LOL PLace

Mon Apr 01, 2013 1:41 pm

William Penn Adair "Will" Rogers (November 4, 1879 – August 15, 1935) was an American cowboy, vaudeville performer, humorist, social commentator and motion picture actor. He was one of the world's best-known celebrities in the 1920s and 1930s.

Will Rogers quotes Part 1:

“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”

“If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.”

“Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.”

“Too many people spend money they earned..to buy things they don't want..to impress people that they don't like.”

“I never met a man that I didn't like.”

“Why not go out on a limb? That's where the fruit is.”

“All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance.”

“There are three kinds of men. The ones that learn by readin’. The few who learn by observation.
The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.”

“Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.”

“There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.”

“Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.”

“Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘nice doggie’ until you can find a rock.”

“We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.”

“Don't let yesterday take up too much of today”

“When you find yourself in a hole, quit digging.”

“Do the best you can, and don't take life too serious.”

“A man only learns in two ways, one by reading, and the other by association with smarter people. ”

“Everyone is ignorant, only on different subjects.”

“Rumor travels faster, but it don't stay put as long as truth. ”

“Common sense ain't common.”

“The short memories of the American voters is what keeps our politicians in office.”

“The minute you read something that you can't understand, you can almost be sure that it was drawn up by a lawyer. ”

“If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of Congress?”

“A fool and his money are soon elected.”

“Always drink upstream from the herd.”

“The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.”

“I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.”

“If stupidity got us in this mess, how come it can't get us out.”

“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Last edited by thorman52 on Mon Apr 01, 2013 8:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Re: The LOL PLace

Mon Apr 01, 2013 2:07 pm

Thank you, Thorman52, for the great quotes. But you omitted one of the best facts about Will Rogers. He was born and grew up in Oklahoma. One of our best accomplishments.

FYI: As a child, Will Rogers lived on his family's land outside of Claremore, OK. Their place was actually closer to the town of Oologah, OK. I'm sure you have heard of that town. :twisted:

His home can be visited and is not far from the Will Rogers Memorial (also a nice place to visit).
But his home has been moved to the top of a hill overlooking Lake Oologah. The actual home place is at the bottom of the Oologah lake.

Now that is part of "the rest of the story."

Practice on Friday, hold on.

Re: The LOL PLace

Mon Apr 01, 2013 7:59 pm

Yes I didn't mention that and should have. In fact Oologah was in Indian Territory at the time of his birth, now Oklahoma. Good article at Wikipedia and shows his house...nice place! He has been admired by many and I'm one for sure. His wit was so profound and like I said previously, still timely to this day. A great American for Sooners to be proud of.
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