Whatever goes... remember, this is a family forum
Fri Sep 30, 2011 9:42 am
AN old Amish man and his son were traveling when their bus was laid over in NYC. They decided to look around at all the sights while they were waiting and happened into a large department store. As they were standing there they heard a bell ding, the wall opened up and a bunch of people appeared. They were quite dazzled with how this was working and as they watched group after group of people walk into the wall and the lights blink, but everytime it came back to the same light the wall opened again and a bunch of different people stepped out. As they were standing there scratching their heads on this strange event a woman in a pair of grungy old sweat pants.....(Webstah Plantation Tuxedo)....stringy dirty hair, about 3 axehandles accross the rearend, and one tooth.....(Webstah Plantation Resident)..... stumbles into the wall and the doors close. 10 to 20 seconds later the doors reopen and a blonde steps out stacked to the tens and crosses in front of the pair. The old fella leans over to his son and says......Go get Maw.
Sat Oct 22, 2011 10:14 am
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.
She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and had worked as a social worker and school teacher.
The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have! I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Chryslers and voted for Obama."
Thu Mar 29, 2012 12:55 am
This is Maine Humorist - Gary Crocker and 7 of his radio broadcasts.
The shortest one is 1.55 minutes and the longest one is 6.0 minutes.
Some of these are so funny I just could not stop laughin' and I can just see some of these things happening.
Thu Mar 29, 2012 1:40 am
From the same website as above, here is just a couple.
Duct Tape Tip #1
New Year's Day was very slippery and I had to go down to feed the chickens. I didn't want to fall so I wrapped Duct Tape around my boots with the sticky side out and then stomped in the cat litter. I went down and fed the chickens with no problem- worked like a dream. Wife's not too happy though. Cat's litter box is in the bathroom and I had to track through the bedroom to get outside. Guess she doesn't appreciate ingenuity!
Duct Tape Tip #2
As you all know we now have a moon roof in the trailer. Well, Muthuh enjoys lounging in her recliner and gazing up through that moon roof watchin the seagulls gliding around and there's lots of em because' as you know, we live right handy to the transfer station! The only thing that bugged her was that she kept missing important stuff Oprah was saying cause she was staring straight up! That's when she says, "Get the Duct Tape! I've got an idea!" We now have a big screen T.V. duct taped to the ceiling of the trailer, right next to the moon roof. Now she can watch Oprah and the seagulls at the same time. Life just got better for me and Muthhu.
That rippin and tearing sound at night is starting to make me a tad nervous though.
Thu Mar 29, 2012 12:30 pm
Have missed this thread, thanks for bringing it back.
Thu Mar 29, 2012 9:14 pm
Last edited by duffygoofy
on Tue Sep 09, 2014 4:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Tue Apr 17, 2012 7:29 am
After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious. "You're running around with another woman...admit it!" she demanded.
"What other woman?" Adam shot back. "You're it!"
That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awakened by Eve poking him in the chest. "What are you doing?"
"Counting your ribs."
Wed Apr 18, 2012 4:34 am
As I was conditioning my hair in the shower this morning, I took time to read my shampoo bottle.
---The shampoo that runs down my entire body says "for extra volume & body." Seriously, why have I not noticed this before?
Now I understand why I am so "full-figured."
Tomorrow I am going to start using "Dawn" dish soap. It says "dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."
Fri Apr 27, 2012 9:41 am
Like a lot of husbands throughout history, Webster would sit down and try to talk to his wife. But as soon as he would start to say something, his wife would say, "And what's that supposed to mean?"
Thus, Webster's Dictionary was born.
Fri Apr 27, 2012 5:26 pm
Mrs. B and Beav, you all are too funny, Thanks for the laughs, I needed that!
Sat Apr 28, 2012 12:13 am
Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. Iwas looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets.
A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized that I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.
My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right.
The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all. “Honey,” I stammered. (I always call her “honey” in times like these.) “I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her voice, “Ken,” she barked, “I dropped you off!”
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”
She retorted, “I will ... as soon as I convince this policeman that I have not stolen your car!”
Wed May 02, 2012 9:53 am
After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while ... then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks ... "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and finally Hot.
She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... what about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.
Fri May 04, 2012 10:06 am
RULES OF DATING MY DAUGHTER
If you pull into my driveway and honk, you better be delivering a package because you’re sure not picking anything up.
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you are not peering at anything below the neck. If you can not keep your eyes or hands off my daughter’s body, I will remove them for you.
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose a compromise: You may come to the door with underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big and I will not object. However, to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, fall off on your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world sex without utilizing a barrier method of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier and I will kill you.
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my home and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early”.
I have no doubt you are very popular fellow with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is done with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
As you stand in front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why not do something useful, like changing the oil in my car.
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff, T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided: movies featuring chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folk’s homes are better.
Do not lie to me. On issues relating to my daughter, I am the all knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Be afraid. Be very very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a CH-46 coming in over a sand hill for a hot extraction near Kuwait City. When my PTSD starts acting up, the voices in my head start telling me to clean my guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early and then return to your car, there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflage face at window is mine.
Fri May 04, 2012 10:14 am
I remember when dating a girl in high school, father told me that if hurt her, upset her, or did anything inappropriate with her...he had no problem going back to jail.
That had me rattled for a little while that night until she told me that her father worked as a Corrections Officers at the local county jail. He is there 5 to 6 days a week for 8 to 12 hours a day.
While that made me feel a little better, I hated him for it. She and I dated for about a year. When I broke up with her, I went into hiding for a couple of months so I could not be found. It worked to, packed all my camping gear and worked at a campground for an entire summer.