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The LOL PLace

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midwesternsmoke

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Post Sun Oct 06, 2013 7:00 am

Re: The LOL PLace

Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 M.P.H. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car
over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.

The driver obviously confused said,"Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't doing over the speed limit!, What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer said, "you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous". "Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.

The officer containing a chuckle explains that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, thanking the officer for pointing out her error. "Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone OK?

These women seem badly shaken and haven't uttered a word all this time" "Oh! they will be alright in a minute, Officer, we just got off Route 142."
Unless you've experienced the Unconditional Love and Loyalty of a good dog, you have yet to live.
"GOD BLESS OUR TROOPS,ESPECIALLY THE SNIPERS"[/[color=#FF4000]
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beaverpond

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Post Tue Oct 08, 2013 5:57 pm

Re: The LOL PLace

Don't Mess with Mom

My son came home from school one day,
with a smirk upon his face.
He'd decided he was smart enough,
to put me in my place.

"Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's all about the laws today,
The "Children's Bill of Rights."

It says I need not clean my room,
don't have to cut my hair.
No one can tell me what to think,
or speak, or what to wear.

I have freedom from religion,
and regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
and I sure don't have to pray.

I can wear earrings if I want,
and pierce my tongue & nose.
I can read & watch just what I like,
and get tattoos from head to toes.

And if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with the crime.
I'll back up all my charges,
with the marks on my behind.

Don't you ever touch me,
my body's only for my use,
not for your hugs and kisses,
that's just more child abuse.

Don't preach about your morals,
like your mama did to you.
That's nothing more than mind control,
And it's illegal too!

Mom, I have these children's rights,
so you can't influence me,
or I'll call Children's Services Division,
better known as C.S.D. "

Of course my first instinct was
To toss him out the door
But the chance to teach a lesson
made me think a little more.

I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
he's messing with a pro.

The next day I took him shopping
at the local Goodwill Store
I told him, "Pick out all you want,
there's shirts & pants galore.

I've called and checked with C.S.D.,
who said they didn't care
if I bought you K-Mart shoes
instead of those Nike Airs.

And I've canceled that appointment
to take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. is unconcerned
so I'll decide what's best. "

I said "No time to stop and eat,
or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
to make your own sack lunch.

Just save that raging appetite,
and wait 'til dinner time.
We're having liver and onions,
a favorite dish of mine.

He asked "Can I please rent a movie,
To watch on my VCR?"
"Sorry, but I sold your TV,
for new tires on my car.

I also rented out your room,
you'll take the couch instead.
The C.S.D. requires
just a roof above your head.

Your clothing won't be trendy now,
and I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
will buy me something neat.

I'm selling off your jet ski,
dirt-bike & roller blades.
Check out the "Parent's Bill of Rights",
It's in effect today!

Hey hot shot, are you crying,
and why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out,
instead of C.S.D.?

Now if more parents acted like parents instead of trying to be their kids best friend we would see less of them in our courts for criminal charges and in front of our school boards for discipline issues that parents won't deal with...like drug and alcohol issues as well as stealing.
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beaverpond

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Post Fri Oct 25, 2013 8:53 am

Re: The LOL PLace

There I was, sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home, there I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"
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The Nascar Sprint Cup Champion For 2014 Is...
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NascarNanaOK

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Post Fri Oct 25, 2013 11:21 am

Re: The LOL PLace

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all..."

I can feel his pain. ;-)

Everybody have a good weekend!
14 to win in '14

He has Risen!

Nascar Nana OK
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HiddenHollow

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Post Wed Oct 30, 2013 10:30 am

Re: The LOL PLace

For all the those having a bad day.....at least you are not a horse stuck in a fence being laughed at by a cow!

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"I'll wreck my mom to win a championship. I'll wreck your mom to win a championship." - Tony Stewart, November 17, 2011

"Fight For Four" - Annalee, March 27, 2012

#StandWithSmoke #14in14
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Smoke14Wins

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Post Fri Nov 01, 2013 5:18 pm

Re: The LOL PLace

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, “Ah, yes, that’s Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony, being played backwards.” He listened a while longer, and said, “There’s the Eighth Symphony, and it’s backwards, too. Most puzzling.” So the magistrate kept listening; “There’s the Seventh, the Sixth, the Fifth.” Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, “My fellow citizens, there’s nothing to worry about. It’s just Beethoven decomposing.
Smoke
"We know that Mother Nature is a woman. If she were a man, there would be no rain on race day."
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midwesternsmoke

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Post Sun Nov 03, 2013 8:44 am

Re: The LOL PLace

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed" she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
Unless you've experienced the Unconditional Love and Loyalty of a good dog, you have yet to live.
"GOD BLESS OUR TROOPS,ESPECIALLY THE SNIPERS"[/[color=#FF4000]
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hboyle

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Post Mon Nov 18, 2013 2:34 pm

Re: The LOL PLace

You know that saying, "If nothing goes right, go left"? That wouldn't work in NASCAR. :P
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HiddenHollow

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Post Fri Nov 29, 2013 2:49 pm

Re: The LOL PLace

The original onboard cameras in Formula 1

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The cameraman is wearing a helmet, so it's OK. :shock: :roll:

(do not attempt at home)
"I'll wreck my mom to win a championship. I'll wreck your mom to win a championship." - Tony Stewart, November 17, 2011

"Fight For Four" - Annalee, March 27, 2012

#StandWithSmoke #14in14
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hboyle

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Post Thu Dec 05, 2013 2:21 pm

Re: The LOL PLace

This doesn't have to do with racing, but it's a pretty funny read: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/2 ... 60667.html

It's about a man who was live tweeting his experience with another irate airplane passenger who acted like she was the only one that celebrates Thanksgiving (they had delays on Thanksgiving Day and she was furious that they were not doing anything to get her home quicker). The things that this man did and the battle that he had with this woman are hysterical! Definitely recommend reading it. :)
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beaverpond

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Post Thu Dec 12, 2013 5:52 am

Re: The LOL PLace

I saw this one recently and just had to share this:

"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
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The Nascar Sprint Cup Champion For 2014 Is...
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beaverpond

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Post Thu Jan 02, 2014 1:45 am

Re: The LOL PLace

Genesis Humor
________________________________________
God made the heavens and the earth -
then He rested.

Then God made the animals, the birds, and the fishes, and then He rested.

Then God made Man - and then He rested.

And then He made woman - and since then, neither God nor man have rested!!


The Creation Story - Revisited

On the first day, God created the dog and said:
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.
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The Nascar Sprint Cup Champion For 2014 Is...
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HiddenHollow

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Post Thu Jan 09, 2014 11:20 am

Re: The LOL PLace

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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"I'll wreck my mom to win a championship. I'll wreck your mom to win a championship." - Tony Stewart, November 17, 2011

"Fight For Four" - Annalee, March 27, 2012

#StandWithSmoke #14in14
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smokieonefour

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Post Thu Jan 30, 2014 5:45 pm

Re: The LOL PLace

Snagged this off of FB, from Lisa Lisa ... :-) ( Luvsher14 )

One warning tho ... don't be drinking any beverages at the time of watching ... as you may end up, cleaning up a mess, like me. ;-)

Smoke 'em if ya got 'em!

Sh*t happens... but don't worry, it usually happens to me.
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smokieonefour

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Post Thu Jan 30, 2014 6:38 pm

Re: The LOL PLace

I dedicate... no... "blame" this one on Michael John. Completely his fault....




This Justin Beiber singing his own version ....


I have a mansion (for sale) forget the price
We always party there, they tell me it's nice
I throw eggs at next door neighbors walls
I have accountants pay for it all

They say I'm crazy but I have a good time
I'm just trying to act thug at the scene of the crime
America's been good to me so far

My rented Lamborghini does 185
Cops got my license now I don't drive
I have a black SUV ride in the back
I lock the doors in case I'm attacked

I had a “Come To Jesus” meeting with Usher
Now I turned myself in, to Tor-ron-to
So I got me some more charges on my back
No country wants me, now I can't come back


Lucky I got my mom w/the meds to get through
Everybody says I'm cool (He's cool)
Anybody can say “Take this” and I do
The drug & party life's been good to me so far

I go to parties sometimes until four
It's hard to look cool when the cops approach your door
It's tough to handle this fortune and fame
Everybody's so different I haven't changed

They say I'm lame even got petitions to go
Everybody says Oh yeah (Oh yeah)
I keep on going cuz now I'm scared all the time
I guess life aint been good to me so far

;-)
Smoke 'em if ya got 'em!

Sh*t happens... but don't worry, it usually happens to me.
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