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THE FRAYED ENDS OF SANITY

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cslonewolf

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Post Fri Sep 16, 2011 6:55 pm

THE FRAYED ENDS OF SANITY

I am in a really bad way right now, a very dark place. I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and I'm having a very tough time coping w/ everything. My life has always been relatively easy I guess, ya know normal money troubles and what not, but I've never had to really deal w/ anything that has been too difficult. I have always made it through whatever issues seemed to come up somehow, but recently I feel the issues are bigger than I can what I can overcome.

My story begins Nov 11th 2010. On this day my lil sister Denise was going to work, and she was dropping my nephew Bobby off at daycare like she did everyday. This day was differant though. They lived w/ my parents, and when they didn't return home that night at the time they normaly would my mom started to get concerned. After making numorous phonecalls to my sister, and not being able to contact her she began to go out of her mind. My sister finally sent my mom a text later that night saying she wasn't coming home.

That was the last thing we heard from her for a few weeks. For Thanksgiving my parents recieved a post card in the mail w/ no return adress, but it was postmarked Pheonix Az. My sister had met some guy on the internet and decided to just pick up and move to the other end of the country w/out so much as an explanation, and doing so she broke my mothers heart. My nephew is the light in my mothers eye, the love of her life. When Denise took him away from her she took away her world. I noticed a change in my mom almost immediatly. She started loosing all kinds of weight, she became kind of lazy (ok there is no kind of about it, she became very lazy) She stopped cleaning her home, she stopped doing pretty much everything. She became increasingly dependent on me and my Half sister for almost everything. My father is disabled and not really much of a help. I found out about two months ago that she stopped taking a couple of her meds, she decided they were doing her more harm than good so rather than consult her dr. she just said to #### w/ those I'm not taking them anymore. When I found this out I gave her #### about it, and of course that went in one ear and out the other.

About five weeks ago I got a call at work that my mom had been rushed to the hospitol. I left work and set land speed records getting from work to her as fast as I could. When I arrived I learned he had gone into cardiac arrest and had died. Luckily (or unluckily depending on how I look at the situation at any given time) The doctors were able to bring her back and save her life. Because she stopped taking her meds she made herself very sick, but she was alive and got a second chance to make herself better. Now this is where my problems begin. She has been given a second chance, and she is behaving even worse than she was before. She will do absolutly nothing for herself. She will not bathe herself, dress herself, feed herself, she is now 100% dependent on everyone else around her. Yes I get it she is sick, but she is not going to get any better if she does not do things on her own. She is using her illness as an excuse to be lazy. The Dr wanted her to go to physical therepy, but because the only place she could go was an hour and a half away she refused it. Now all she does is lay around and watch t.v. Then when someone tells her she needs to do something she says "My dr. told me to get plenty of rest, I'm just doing what the dr. told me to do".

I am so depressed because I keep thinking that she would have been better off if she just would have died, then a part of me feels like she did die on Nov 11th 2010
"He makes me look thinner" Tony on why he picked Ryan to be his team mate. bet he's gonna enjoy his fair share of Krissie's cookies every weekend lol
SMOKE'N ROCKETS
GO #39 U.S ARMY CHEVROLET
GO RYAN
GO SMOKE,
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nitrodani

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Post Fri Sep 16, 2011 7:32 pm

Re: THE FRAYED ENDS OF SANITY

have her doctor prescribe a home nurse. its hard when they give up sweetie. i know exactly how u feel. u should find ur sister and have a chat with her too.. sorry u r goin thru this now. i will pray for u and ur family...
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cslonewolf

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Post Fri Sep 16, 2011 7:38 pm

Re: THE FRAYED ENDS OF SANITY

This woman is not my mother. My mother was always such a strong woman. #### she raised my sister and I pretty much on her own cause my father was always working. She was never the kind that looked for pitty, or wanted to put her problems out on display, now it seems as though all she wants is for everyone to feel sorry for her. I am soo #### at her I can barely look at her. She is my mom and I love her to death, but she brought this all on herself and now she is making everyone around her, everyone who loves her suffer. I am soooo tied up w/ everything I feel like I don't have five minutes to even collect my thoughts. If I'm not working, I am cleaning her house, doing her grocery shopping, running her errends, catoring to her every want and need. My life has become way too fast paced and frantic, and I am struggling to cope w/ it all. I mean last Sat I just said to #### w/ mom, to #### w/ dad, to #### w/ Loretta, today I need to do something for me, and so I just refused to do anything unless it made me happy. Maybe I'm being selfish here I don't know, and to be honest I don't really care, I am usually so empathetic to everyone, but I'm just having a real hard time w/ that right now.
I feel like I should put my mom in a home, but I know #### well I'll never be able to afford such a thing for one, second of all my mom is only 64 years old. 64 is far from old, and far from the age where she should be in a home. I don't know what to do

The woman is part two of my problem. A few months ago we were out having a few cocktails, and she out of the blue said that when her father dies she wants to move to Fla. She said she didn't like it in PA and she wants to live near her sister. She basically said she wanted me to come w/ but if I didn't "OH well". I just blew the whole thing off, because she was drinking and random things like that are said when alchohol is involved. Last week she said the whole thing again, This time she was stone cold sober. Here I am w/ already enough weight on my shoulders it would make Hercules' legs buckle, and she throws this crap at me. Now her dad considering he is 82 is a very healthy guy (even more healthy than me I'd say) so as far as him going anytime soon from a health related issue the chances are pretty slim. Ya never know though God forbid there is any number of ways a person can die. So What if a month or two from now he is killed in a traffic accident because some other fool runs a redlight or something? I can't pick up and leave my parents, my daughter, my job. What am I supposed to do? Is my relationship w/ the woman I have invested eight years of my life to going to be over?

Then there is the issue of the relationship itself. I love Loretta w/ all my heart, but there are times I just don't feel much like her boyfriend. Loretta is a good deal older than me, and for the most part I am good w/ that (if I wasn't I would never had gotten myself involved w/ her) There are times though when I feel more like her son than her boyfriend. I work my #### off everyday to provide a life for us, and I make pretty good money. Once in a while I like to reward myself w/ a lil somethin somethin, weather it be a diecast, or a new video game or whatever, but I can't let her know about them or she gets mad at me. I have to keep everything a secret from her. I give her almost my entire paycheck yet I need permission to do the things I want to de w/ my money, and to me that just don't seem fair.
"He makes me look thinner" Tony on why he picked Ryan to be his team mate. bet he's gonna enjoy his fair share of Krissie's cookies every weekend lol
SMOKE'N ROCKETS
GO #39 U.S ARMY CHEVROLET
GO RYAN
GO SMOKE,
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cslonewolf

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Post Fri Sep 16, 2011 7:56 pm

Re: THE FRAYED ENDS OF SANITY

My head is so messed up right now, I am not sure what end is up, or even if there is an up at this point. I feel like I just need to get away from everything for a while. I feel like if I stay here I am going to go insane (I already feel like I have begun that journey already)

I thought about just going somewhere (I don't even know if I wanna take Loretta w/ me, or do I wanna go alone?) I mentioned it to her today. When she asked me where I wanted to go I told her I was thinking about maybe going to the Dover race, or maybe Vegas. I guess she didn't like either of my ideas so she pretty much planned a week vacation to Fla. I don't want to go to Fla. I have no desire to live there, visit there, or even fly over there except to maybe go to a race at Daytona. I can't wait that long for this get away. The wires in my head feel like they are coming apart (and I'm not too sure they were ever wired right to begin w/) I feel like my world is crashing down around me. I'm scared, I'm sad, I'm angry. I know though that if I can get away it's only gonna be a short term fix for a long term problem. Just because I decide to go away my mom is not gonna decide that maybe she should take care of herself, Loretta is not gonna decide to stop controlling every aspect of my life. My issues will still be here when I get home. So will getting away even help at all. I don't even know. If I go will I feel like I abandoned my mom when she needs me the most? I am hoping for the answers to all my questions, I just hope I can get them before I lose it and make matters even worse than they already are.
"He makes me look thinner" Tony on why he picked Ryan to be his team mate. bet he's gonna enjoy his fair share of Krissie's cookies every weekend lol
SMOKE'N ROCKETS
GO #39 U.S ARMY CHEVROLET
GO RYAN
GO SMOKE,
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Tinker

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Post Fri Sep 16, 2011 8:14 pm

Re: THE FRAYED ENDS OF SANITY

Part 2 of your problem sounds like something a co-worker went thru. His gal was controlling everything. When she decided they were moving to KCMO and he said he didn't want to. Her response was I don't care, we're moving. He went an got her suitcase and told her to enjoy the city.

That didn't settle to well with her but he's doing well now. He's in control of his world again.

As far as your Mom...I wish I had some words that could help.

Taking a day for yourself is not being selfish. You have to take time for yourself. Not just for mental health be your overall well-being.
“Life is tough, but it's tougher if you're stupid.” ~ John Wayne
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midwesternsmoke

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Post Fri Sep 16, 2011 8:37 pm

Re: THE FRAYED ENDS OF SANITY

Hey CS, don't look at any aspect of your needing time as selfish. You NEED the solitude, if you can't keep your head together for YOURSELF, you won't be able to help anyone else. As weird as it sounds, the person that needs you the most right now is YOU. Do what you need to do for YOURSELF first and foremost, then hopefully when the other people in the equation see that you've stayed strong through all the adversity, they may try to help you by helping THEMSELVES a little bit more. Don't know what else I can add as of now but we have a PM system here if ya need to use it.... :)
Unless you've experienced the Unconditional Love and Loyalty of a good dog, you have yet to live.
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smokieonefour

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Post Fri Sep 16, 2011 10:07 pm

Re: THE FRAYED ENDS OF SANITY

CS... I hear you. I really, really hear you. I could have written "this woman is not my mother" myself, I understand so well. My mom is 78 and losing it. She used to be a forceful, intelligent R.N. in the E.R.'s for as long as I can remember. Now, after a series of strokes, she is an old lady and very dependent. Thankfully, she is still semi-independent ... but I still have to follow up ( did she turn off the stove / burner / oven? Put the milk back in the fridge? )

My point is... regardless if she is doing this "on purpose" or not - you are still in the same boat with many of us baby boomers, taking care of our elderly parents. I feel like I should show you the secret handshake or offer you a badge or something. Some people CAN place their remaining or both parents in a home... and go to the poor house doing it.... some have to have their parents shipped off to the 'cheaper' homes because their care has got out of control. Some people have to do home care at home. Any way you slice the "child now taking care of the parent" pie.... it just sucks, every piece, every time. I don't feel the way the people do in the commercials of patients of Alzheimer's and their loving kids. Most days I'm frustrated beyond belief at the simple act of trying to remain calm and polite to own mother. None of my two sisters help me... and they haven't for years. I just stopped asking them for help and deal with the hand I was dealt.

Nobody is going to have all the answers for you... but I can give two pieces of simple info to think on - 1) When you try to deal with everything all at once, it's chaos. Take things on, one problem at a time, one day at a time. Separate the individual problems and look at them, one at a time. 2) NEVER cry tears... for someone who won't cry tears for you. Some things are really just that simple.

I wish you the best of luck in these problems. Lean on us... or if the ends start to really separate... then call someone. Start with a friend and work your way up to counseling if you need to. Also, I have found that there are lots of options for home-bound folks - connect with your local Human Services Dept or Senior services.... and you may be amazed at how much a few good organizations can do and take off your hands. :-) Good luck CS and keep us posted. :-) We do care. :-)
Smoke 'em if ya got 'em!

Sh*t happens... but don't worry, it usually happens to me.
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onerockindoc

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Post Fri Sep 16, 2011 11:11 pm

Re: THE FRAYED ENDS OF SANITY

My heart breaks for you. You are in a difficult position with your parents indeed. If at all possible get some in home help for both of them to relieve some of your burden, Being a caregiver is quite possibly the toughest job in the world and everyone needs a break occasionally.

If you need help ask for it from family, friends and neighbors...and yes us.
Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement
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justlisa

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Post Mon Sep 19, 2011 3:45 pm

Re: THE FRAYED ENDS OF SANITY

Cs I am so sorry you are going through all of this.I am in a very similar situation and I know how hard it can be. I have to take one day at a time, some days are good and some are awful. I have a couple close friends who are my rocks. They keep me grounded when my crazy gets out of hand. I am always around if you need an ear, maybe its something in the air in Ne Pa :( . I will keep you in my thoughts, try and take some time for yourself, I know its easier said then done. God bless Buddy I truly feel your pain, Lisa
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cslonewolf

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Post Tue Sep 20, 2011 4:52 pm

Re: THE FRAYED ENDS OF SANITY

Hey all I wanted to thank you for your kind words. I'm not sure what was going on w/ my head when I posted this, I guess it was just an off day. I was feeling very suffocated by everything, and I guess I just needed to vent. Loretta is usually the one I vent to, but since I considered her to be part of the problem I really couldn't do that this time.

Things in no way have gotten any easier, in fact maybe a lil worse. I'm just finding it a lil easier to cope I guess. I think just by starting this blog, and typing the words I typed somehow made me feel a lil better about stuff. I'm so glad I have a place I can do that, Thank you all again


UPDATE*......
My mom is back in the hospital again. She is supposed to do a breathing treatment four times a day. For some reason Fri & Sat she decided not to do them. I guess it interfered w/ her busy t.v. watching schedule. She has been on a respirator since Sat afternoon. No word when she might be taken off of it yet. I'm soooooo #### at her

As far as the Loretta deal goes thats still the same. Kinda upsets me H.H. Craig was having a Laborday sale. They had a 50 inch LG t.v. on sale for $500.00 I wanted it sooooo bad. That would be sick to watch the races, and football on. She said we could get it. Then last minute changed her mind, said we couldn't afford it. That upset me a lil but ya know I'll live (it's not like we have no t.v.) Then last night I got home from work and she wanted to show me something. She pulled up a pic of a lil white fluffy kitten, looked just like our Tommy we lost back in July (only it has the most beautiful blue eyes) She wants this kitten sooooo bad (she had even named it already) and asked me if we could get him. This kitten is $300.00!!!!! So when I want something we can't afford it, but when she wants something, it's a done deal. She just stuck the $100.00 deposit in the mail, so we are getting a new kitten.

As far as the get a way we still cannot come up w/ a good comprimise, cause if I'm going on a vacation there will be racing involved lol

Anyway thanks again for your advise and stuff, and thanks for letting me vent
"He makes me look thinner" Tony on why he picked Ryan to be his team mate. bet he's gonna enjoy his fair share of Krissie's cookies every weekend lol
SMOKE'N ROCKETS
GO #39 U.S ARMY CHEVROLET
GO RYAN
GO SMOKE,
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herbie14

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Post Tue Sep 20, 2011 5:52 pm

Re: THE FRAYED ENDS OF SANITY

Women, you can't live with 'em, you can't kill 'em! lol.
" I've got a cooler full of Schlitz and I'm not gonna stop drinkin till I get to the bottom." - Tony Stewart

Herbie
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jsw14

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Post Tue Sep 20, 2011 6:29 pm

Re: THE FRAYED ENDS OF SANITY

herbie14 wrote:Women, you can't live with 'em, you can't kill 'em! lol.

Hmmmmm, I hear ya Herb's ;) But, I don't want to be single again eather!!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: ;)
BS & Brilliance only come with Age & Experience!!
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dirt93

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Post Wed Sep 21, 2011 11:54 pm

Re: THE FRAYED ENDS OF SANITY

What a hard place to be right now. I'm glad you can come on here and vent. Sometimes just writing the words helps. Boo on the kitten. They are way cheap at the pound and they have a million of them...so it sounds like she is being incredibly selfish.

At least you have good friends here and can come on this site and vent all you want. :) I would have gotten the new tv... got to see Smoke win in HD!! ...but then again I love racing.
Here kitty kitty.. come get you some of this!!
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azk8ster

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Post Thu Sep 22, 2011 3:47 am

Re: THE FRAYED ENDS OF SANITY

Keep venting here, it's safe, your SHR family has your back. wish i could be of "real" help
"Faith is believing in things when common sense tells you not to"
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nasholelover1

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Post Thu Sep 22, 2011 9:16 am

Re: THE FRAYED ENDS OF SANITY

Does your #### get jealous of the #### that comes out of your mouth?
Ya know, I could say a whole lot more here to set the record straight but I wont embarrass you like that here the way you've embarrassed me.
Carry on...
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